One of my favorite Key and Peele skits is when they do the Obama translator, so when I recently read a blog about women Christian men should marry, I decided to do my own translating.The main paragraphs are from the original blog found here.
1. The Unbeliever.
Scripture is replete with exhortations against such marriages (in both the Old and New Testaments). Contrary to popular misconception, God’s prohibition against marriages to foreign women in the Old Testament was not due to racism. Instead, God was simply preventing the spread of idolatry. Israel, God’s chosen people in the Old Testament, represented what Christians would later represent in the New Testament. Hence, God’s prohibition against marrying an unbelieving woman in the New Testament (2 Cor 6:14) is simply the extension of God prohibiting a Hebrew man from from marrying a Canaanite woman in the Old Testament (Deut 7:3-4). “Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you” (Deut 7:3-4).
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Interpreted-Don’t be marrying non Christian bitches.
Jesus clearly taught that unless the first marriage ended due to a partner’s sexual infidelity, a second marriage is to be considered invalid and adulterous. A divorced woman, therefore, is off limits for a Christian man–unrepentant adultery being a sin that prevents one from obtaining eternal life (1 Cor 6:9). “If she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:12). “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9).
Interpreted-Don’t marry any bitch that’s already been hitched to another dude and got divorced, unless they got divorced because the dude was fucking another bitch. If he was just beating her up or being dick, that divorce wasn’t real.
3. The Older Woman.
Not a sin, but certainly not God’s ideal. God expects men to be the spiritual leaders of the home (Eph 5:25) and it certainly requires an extra measure of grace to lead a woman who’s older than you. Again, if you’re a man and you’re already in such a marriage, then honor it till the day you die–it’s still a valid marriage and divorce is not an option! However, if you’re not yet married but thinking about an older woman I want to remind you that God intentionally (with good reason!) created Adam before Eve in the First Marriage. Scripture informs us that God created man first chronologically for the sake of authority! Listen: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:12-13).
Interpreted-Don’t be marrying bitches that older than you.
4. The Feminist.
There’s no room within Christendom for the “Christian feminist.” Though women and men have equal value in the eyes of God (Gal 3:28), they certainly have different God-given roles. Any woman who tries to usurp her husband’s authority or even claims to be a co-leader with her man is gravely dishonoring the God who created her to be subject and obedient to her husband (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1). Eve was distinctly created “for” man, a point that the apostle Paul makes abundantly clear in 1 Corinthians 11 when he writes, “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” (1 Corinthians 11:8-9). Men, your wife is to be your “helper” (Gen 2:18)–not your leader and certainly not your equal in terms of authority. Look for a woman who agrees with you in this very vital God-ordained relational dynamic.
Interpreted-Don’t be marrying bitches that want equal rights and shit.
5. The Sexy-Dresser.
Sexy might inadvertently catch your eyeballs, but it shouldn’t catch your heart. The way that a woman is willing to expose herself says much about her heart: “And behold, the woman meets him, dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart” (Proverbs 7:10). The text in Proverbs explains that a woman will dress in a certain way to catch a certain type of man. Don’t be that man. Don’t be the fool who’s led by his hormones instead of the Holy Spirit. Remember: you want godly, not gaudy.
Interpreted-Don’t be marrying bitches dressing like sluts.
6. The Loud-Mouth.
Women may love to talk, but there’s wisdom in looking for a woman who speaks with wisdom. Gossip and slander are not good things to have in your marriage. Desperate housewives make for desperate husbands. “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” (1 Timothy 5:13).
Interpreted-Bitches be talking and shit, you can’t have that if you be marrying them and shit.
7. The Child-Hater.
(This does not mean that the woman hates all children.) Do not marry a woman who is not willing to have children of her own. In the Christian worldview, there is absolutely no room for two married, biologically capable, human beings to remain intentionally child-less. If you are adverse towards having children, then there’s a simple remedy for that: single-hood. However, if God has called you to marriage, then He actually expects children. Both the New and Old Testaments are very clear on this teaching: “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15). “Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control” (1 Timothy 2:15).
Interpreted- If the bitch don’t want kids, fuck her.
8. The Wander-Luster.
There’s nothing wrong with the occasional family vacation. There is something very wrong with a girl who regularly needs to be “out of the home.” The constant desire for new experiences, new places, new faces, and new forms of entertainment only serves to clearly manifest the fact that the woman has not found her rest in God. Believe it or not, Scripture speaks repeatedly about such women: “She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home” (Proverbs 7:11); “Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to” (1 Timothy 5:13).
Interpreted-Hell no, I know bitches don’t want to be going to places and shit. If you marrying me, stay home.
9. The Career Woman.
Now, I want to clarify something here. There is nothing wrong with a woman who works (Acts 16:14), what’s wrong is a woman who puts her career ahead of her family. Modern American society might hate to hear this, but God made men to be the providers and women to be the nurturers of the home (in most instances). It’s okay for a woman to be a doctor, attorney, or any other professional. However, if her career is coming at the expense of her home, then something is wrong. If day-care is raising her young children while she’s working, then something is wrong. I understand that there might be a season of life where the wife might have to be the main bread-winner due to her husband’s unemployment, but it should not be the desired norm. The woman ought to be willing (and even desirous–to some extent) to give up her job for the sake of raising her kids in the Lord. “So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander” (1 Tim 5:14).
Interpreted-Bitch want a job? Uh-oh I know bitch doesn’t want a job, her job is cooking and cleaning and making babies.
10. The Devotion less Woman.
Is the woman having a regular, daily devotional time with her God? If she doesn’t love the Lord now, chances are, she won’t love the Lord after marriage. (Don’t delude yourself–you’re not going to change her.) You want to marry a girl who has an intimate relationship with Jesus. Jesus (not you) has to be the first man in her life. Here are some good questions to ask: Does she have an active prayer life? Does she have a heart for evangelism? Is she hungry for God’s Word? What does her pastor think about her?
Interpreted-You not praying every night? You better get on your knees and starting praying right now.
I don’t normally commentate on political topics, but a week ago when terrorists attacked the office of Charlie Hebdo for depicting the prophet Muhammed, they attacked something I hold very near and dear to my heart, the right to offend. I often taken many of my rights for granted, living in a free society, but the one right I always took seriously was my freedom of expression. I don’t care what you believe in or what kind of God you pray too, but I reserve the right to make fun of it freely and you in return have the same right to mock whatever I hold dear as long as none of it resorts to violence or violates another person. We as a global society can’t pick and choose what is off limits, because almost everything offends somebody somewhere. Once we decide one thing is taboo, then it all just dominoes and everyone is walking on egg shells, oh wait that’s already kind of happened. Some people will see this as me defending hate speech, but it’s not about that, it’s about people being able to express themselves without fear of being physically attacked. Oh yeah, if this offended you, great. Tell me how you feel about it and let’s have an intelligent conversation.